Sex and Romance
Is Your Relationship Losing Passion? Do you Need Sex Therapy?
Are you not having sex or having sex but not making love? You may need sex therapy. The problem sometimes has more to do with how you interact in everyday life than what physical positions you choose. Foreplay occurs way before you get to the bedroom. It is about how you interact throughout your lives. I have completed training from the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute. Do any of the following impact your relationship?
We stopped being intimate.
There is intimacy, but it feels robotic.
There is not enough love in love-making.
Sex and intimacy seem forced.
We don’t feel the connection we once felt when being intimate.
There are strong differences in desire.
Your partner has a sexual addiction.
If any of the above impacts your relationship, intimacy therapy may be what you need. Finding a therapist to discuss sex and intimacy concerns in Columbus, Ohio is an important step.
Many couples therapy approaches teach that if you want to fix sex, you can fix the relationship. There is some truth to this, and sometimes the relationship is fixed through better sex. We have training from the Integrative Sex Therapy Institute that values treating sex in the relationship as much as treating other aspects of the relationship, rather than seeing couples therapy and sex therapy as two different entities.
It's Normal to Lose Passion in a Relationship
When most people start a relationship, they are focused on pleasing and impressing their partner. The human brain is wired to dismiss faults in a partner for the first couple of years after a relationship begins. There may be fewer responsibilities (kids, finances, living together, etc.). It is easy to have passion when a connection is new and fresh. As a relationship goes on, people tend to take their partner for granted. As people spend more time living together, their time can seem less remarkable than when it was mostly about dates. Work responsibilities can increase, leaving a couple too tired for sex at night. Finding a babysitter for a date night or having the time and energy to make it happen can become a chore. Losing passion is especially prevalent if there has been an affair and processing that occurrence may need to happen first.
What Certified Sex Therapy Informed Professionals Cover
The content below is paraphrased from Evergreen Certification requirements (Evergreen, 2023).
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- Review of sex therapy practice and sex education
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- A history of sexual desire
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- Models and definitions of sexual issues
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- Assessing sexual issues
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- Diagnostic considerations: The role of gender, age, health, medication and more
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- A new model of the female sexual response cycle
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- Sensate Focus and Erotic Recovery
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- Sexual issues and the intersection of culture, race and gender
Treating Low Sex and No Sex Disorders
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- Low Sex, No Sex and Intermittently Sexual Marriages
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- Interventions/dialogues
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- Appreciations, stretches, repair
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- Soothing, dealing with triggers
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- Pleasure dystonic states
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- Pleasure disorders
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- Moving from a trauma model to a pleasure model
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- Shifting from performance to pleasure: In-session clinical demonstration
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- Why is sex going down in marriages?
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- Demonstrating the Sharing Pleasure exercise: In-session clinical demonstration
- Sex, desire, and attachment
Counseling Couples
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- There is no “normal” in relationships
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- The stages of couples’ counseling
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- Individual counseling for sexual issues
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- Sexual identity, gender identity and the Minority Stress Model
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- The basics of a sex and couples therapy session
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- Mastering basic sexuality counseling skills
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- Decoding fantasies to understand needs in the relationship
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- The new era of relationship life cycles and what research says about sex, orgasm and fantasy
- Approaches to couples therapy: Imago Therapy
Integrative Therapy
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- Navigating differences in gender, sexuality and eroticism
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- Cultural considerations: Intersectionality, multiculturalism and ethnicity
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- Exploring the gender roles of women: Oppression, biases and social movements
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- Integrative treatment for body image, eating disorders and sexual dysfunction
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- Dialogue Skills: In-session clinical demonstration
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- Societal shifts in nonmonogamy and polyamory
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- The three things you need to create a new monogamy that will work for you
Alternative Interventions
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- A new perspective on journaling
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- Mindfulness, Sensate Focus and the path to erotic recovery
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- A brief note on yoga and sex
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- How Art Therapy can enhance sex and couples work
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- Alternative interventions for the therapist
Solutions
I have training from the Integrated Sex and Couples Certification training program, Gottman Method’s GotSex kit, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, EFT, and many other approaches. The trainings help you rekindle your passion and help you gain greater understanding. While there may eventually be a need to learn about new positions or ways to spice things up, that is typically not the reason for the lack of intimacy.
The GottSex kit is a collection of tools, homework assignments, and short sex videos (all PG or PG-13) to help you learn how to connect better. We can help with sexual dysfunction or if purity culture has hurt you. It is essential to understand that sex can improve as couples get older and help it improve through increased knowledge of one another, as well as improved connection. It is vital to know how to express what you need and say no without causing your partner to feel personally rejected. You do not need to talk about things that make you uncomfortable, but if sex is a concern in your relationship, it is crucial to learn to feel comfortable talking about it.
The Gottman Method and Couples Institute have powerful tools to get you started. As helpful as they can be, they only go so far. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help you access and de-escalate the primary emotions you perhaps didn’t know you had. Having a counselor who can individualize to your needs can be very helpful.
Sex Therapy Methods
Marriage counseling can be a game-changer for power couples. I act as a skilled coach and therapist, providing you with the tools and strategies to navigate the complexities of your high-powered lives.
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From Power Struggle to Power Sharing: Therapists can guide you through untangling the web of power dynamics. They’ll help you move from a win-lose mentality to collaborative solutions. This might involve setting clear boundaries around individual careers while fostering a sense of teamwork within the relationship.
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Intimacy Oasis Amidst the Chaos: Remember when you used to steal away for romantic weekends? Therapists can help you reclaim that spark. They might suggest strategies for scheduling quality time, building emotional connection through shared activities, and even reigniting physical intimacy.
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Competition: From Threat to Teamwork: That competitive drive that took you both to the top can become a double-edged sword. Therapists can help you identify the root of this need to “one-up” each other and encourage you to celebrate each other’s successes. Techniques like “gratitude journaling” or finding healthy outlets for competition outside the relationship can foster a more supportive dynamic.
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Fortress Against External Pressures: The constant glare of the spotlight can be exhausting. But therapists can equip you with the tools to manage public scrutiny. This might involve setting boundaries with the media, creating a private sanctuary within your lives, and developing effective stress-management techniques.
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Building Your Group: The isolation that comes with an extraordinary lifestyle can be isolating. Therapists can help you build a support system. This could involve finding couples who understand the unique challenges you face or exploring ways to connect with a broader community that shares your interests.
Remember, therapy is a journey, not a destination. By working with a skilled therapist, you can navigate the twists and turns of your power couple relationship and emerge stronger, more connected, and ready to conquer whatever life throws your way.
There is Hope
Regarding some of the problems listed above, proven methods work for many couples.
- We stopped being intimate
This requires looking at the root cause and discussing why the problem occurs, so specific interventions can fix it.
- There is sex, but it feels robotic
There may be a need for more foreplay. This includes how you interact during the day. How you share housework. Whether you give affirming statements and how you know and address each of your partner’s love languages. You may have a need for sex therapy.
- There is not enough love in love-making
This is similar to the response above. Having a connection is vital for lovemaking. However, there are some occasions where having less passionate sex is still positive for the relationship.
- Sex and intimacy seem forced
Looking at your life goals, values, and priorities can help ensure you have the energy for passionate sex.
- We don’t feel the connection we once felt when being intimate
The GottSex toolkit and other approaches can help you rekindle that passion and potentially increase it over time.
- One or both of us have sexual dysfunction
Sexual dysfunction can be treated and it is often a result of initial unrealistic expectations
Common Questions
The following are common questions and objections.
It depends on how sex therapy is defined. There are sex therapists who focus almost exclusively on sex in marriage or with couples or multiple partners. We can pay attention to sexual difficulties, partner factors, individual vulnerability factors, cultural or religious aspects, medical concerns (to a degree), intersectionality, and gender roles, among others. Sex is a vital part of most long-term relationships, so for us, it’s not therapy in and of itself but part of couples therapy or relationship therapy. Many of our conversations about sex involve foreplay as an all-week experience that happens way before the bedroom, your friendship, and your emotional intimacy first. Handouts and homework are given to allow you to spice things up to your comfort level if you desire. I may refer to an AASECT-certified sex therapist for some concerns where I don’t have enough training yet (e.g. BDSM, KINK).
You don’t have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable. The hope is that you will see sex as part of a committed relationship as a standard and essential part of the relationship and not feel any shame.
Yes, it is possible. However, the focus typically needs to start with rebuilding trust.
This decision is fully supported. The first time is often awkward, and the pressure of a wedding night can add more stress. You will figure it out or learn ways to have a rewarding sex life.
That depends on where you are and what you need. It may start with planning how you can have a romantic date. The conversation may involve talking about an affair. We could talk about your specific needs or briefly discuss possible medical causes for sexual issues. It could include treating sex addiction or referring you to a sex addiction specialist. It could involve giving you handouts or discussing new things to try to spice things up. You may be given exercises with specific sex therapy techniques to try in the privacy of your own home.
Hopefully, this will change over time. Sex is a strong and basic biological need. There is no need to discuss intimate details in therapy, and conversations usually don’t go beyond PG-13. Over time and at your comfort level, you are free to share more.
Cardinal Point Counseling is located in Dublin, Ohio, near Columbus, Hilliard, Upper Arlington, Worthington, and Westerville. If you are looking to focus on learning specific sexual techniques, we can help to some degree. If the focus is on sexual performance and not the root causes, we may be able to refer you to someone else or address your concerns. Much of what is pathologized about sex (e.g., erectile dysfunction) may not be a problem that needs drug treatment if the root causes are addressed.
Our attitude aligns with the Gottman’s in that our society overly pathologizes sexual dysfunction. The media and other sources often portray that sex should be magical every time, with each partner having mind-blowing and simultaneous orgasms. This is not reality. If say, a man has an occasional premature ejaculation, but the couple can connect, is that failure? There may be referrals necessary for medication or discussion around some techniques to help, but occasional “sexual dysfunction” is normal or caused by things like stress or anxiety.
Yes, the problems are often deeper than sexual compatibility. There are likely other issues with your relationship or how you communicate about sex, leading to other problems. Sometimes, there is no intimacy in a relationship from the husband, and sometimes, there is no intimacy from the wife. The same applies to unmarried couples, gay couples or polyamorous groups.
Yes, the GottSex toolkit from the Gottman Institute, paired with sexual therapy, can help you have a more passionate and romantic relationship. A sexless marriage can affect a woman. It sexless marriage can affect a man. Sexless marriage scan affect homosexual couples. We can also help if there is a lack of sex in a relationship.
Yes. Although each man and woman are different. You can learn techniques like how to initiate and refuse sex and how to discuss what you like and don’t like, and Gottman worksheets and handouts can help you learn how to give a more pleasurable experience. You can learn about what gives your partner female arousal or male arousal.
This involves getting to the root cause of the loss of interest. There are almost an infinite number of factors. It could be a decreased libido, a loss of connection, or stress from outside the relationship. Knowing your situation and applying an appropriate intervention(s) could be helpful.
Why Choose Aaron Engel?
Looking for a sex therapist who gets it?
While some therapists focus on one approach, I believe the best results come from tailoring therapy to your unique needs. I have extensive training in multiple couples and sex therapy models, allowing me to create a personalized approach that works for you.
Wondering if I’m a good fit?
- My clients describe me as calm and reassuring, creating a safe space for open communication.
- My integrated approach to sex and couples therapy allows me to address both intimacy and relationship concerns.
Ready to take the next step?
Explore this website to learn more, or schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if we’re a good match.
