Some relationship experts recommend that if a couple struggles with their sex life, they should just do it anyway. The argument is that any orgasm releases the hormone oxytocin and increases a couple’s bond. There is no judgment here on impersonal sex with a committed partner or pornography per se. Still, the long-term goal should be sexual experiences that are both physical and emotional. Sex therapy and couples counseling can help with that (and the two are not unique entities but work together). The type of impersonal sex I am talking about here is still with a committed partner and not infidelity.
Sometimes impersonal sex can provide benefits. Sometimes it is traumatizing or upsetting for at least one partner. A couple may decide there are times where they need the release of an orgasm, even if they are not feeling a strong emotional connection. Maybe it just helps some couples fall asleep. In general, the Gottman’s recommend avoiding this type of sex as the norm.
The goal, however, should be personal sex. Personal sex starts with knowing and caring about what is going on in each person’s life. It begins with a relationship where the couple is comfortable turning to one another for support. You may be having sex without these things, but not making love. Is impersonal sex much different than masturbation? Probably not. With either, it is more about the feeling and results than the experience. Again, no judgment except that personal sex can produce the most rewarding experience most couples want.
Good sex therapy doesn’t start with teaching you positions or where to kiss or massage or whatever. That can be part of it, but only after building a solid bond. Emotionally connected partners can experience more pleasure than the best emotionless sexual partners. Improving your sex life can be a part of a comprehensive couples therapy program and more than what you may read in a quick “10 steps for better sex” magazine article.
This post was inspired by the Gottman Institute’s GottSex? training package. This package is available for individual purchase at https://gottsex.com, and its teachings are part of Cardinal Point Counseling sex therapy and couples therapy.
